General Musings

My Top Five Movies (2010-2020)

March 7, 2021March 7, 2021 Peter JonesLeave a comment

If, like me, you’ve spent much of the last twelve months in front of the television (because, just how many ‘walks’ can one person have in a day?) you might be getting to the point where you’re seriously wondering if there’s anything left to watch.

I know I am.

Then just the other day a Facebook friend of mine challenged me (and a host of other Facebook film buff pals) to come up with a list of Top Five Movies. The only fly in the ointment being they had to be films made in the last decade.

Coming up with my top five wasn’t easy… until I started to think about all those films that I’d watched once, and then watched again the very next day. Once I’d established that as a criteria I had a good selection, and only had to boil it down to just five.

So here it is. And who knows, if you’re in need of viewing inspiration, perhaps you’ll find something in this list to pique your interest. Feel free to share your ‘top five’ in the comments, at the bottom of this page.

PETER’S TOP FIVE FILMS
OF THE LAST DECADE (2010-2020)

Number 5: Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

Yeah I know. I was surprised too. But if you ever used to enjoy Spider Man / Marvel comics (as a kid), then I promise you, it’s a flippin’ amazing movie. Somehow existing outside the MCU / Avengers Universe (what a relief), it’s a fun (animated) film that both explains every version of Spider Man that’s ever existed… and then redefines him… again.

Narrowly beaten to my number five slot was Anna. I’m a big fan of Luc Beeson, although he almost screwed up with Lucy (starring Scarlett Johansson) by forgetting to have a plot! He totally makes up for that with Anna.

Number 4: Arrival

Whilst compiling this list I was surprised at home many Sci-Fi films made it into the final selection. And when I say “Sci-Fi” I mean, proper Science Fiction – movies that basically start with the premise “What if…” – rather than some meaningless bug-hunt, shoot-em-up, in space. Arrival is one such “what if” movie. What if… technically superior Aliens arrive on earth, but their “language” is so utterly different from anything we’ve ever encountered before, that merely unravelling that language has unexpected consequences.

It’s classy, clever, fabulous, edge of your seat stuff, and I guarantee you’ll never look at a coffee mug stain in quite the same way again.

Number 3: Cloud Atlas

Now obviously everyone has a film or two that they like to watch again and again, but it’s a rare thing to find a film that somehow gets better the more you watch it. “Cloud Atlas” is one such film.

It’s a fiercely complicated movie. Mostly because it’s not just one story, but six. Each story is linked in some way (though it’s not always obvious how). Each story is set in a different period in history – two of the stories are even set in the future. Even more amazingly, each story is told using a different cinematic genre, and to top it all, each of the main cast (which includes Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Susan Sarandon and Jim Broadbent) play multiple roles, sometimes even playing against their own sex or ethnic background. Not surprising then that the film clocks in at almost three hours. But, all that said, when you finally get to the end – brow beaten and slightly bewildered, perhaps with a nagging feeling that maybe you missed something crucial – there’s still a good chance that you’d really like to see it again. And soon.

My only criticism (if I have any) is that with a film like this you’d have thought there was be hours and hours of DVD extras to pore over, or a “Director’s cut”. But there isn’t, more’s the pity.

Number 2: The Martian

The Martian is one of those films that I put on when I need cheering up (so, in the last year I’ve watched it at least half a dozen times!) It’s also one of those films I watch when I need a little inspiration. After all, what can be more inspiring than watching a modern day Robinson Crusoe, except that in this re-telling of the famous story the stakes are far higher. In the words of the protagonist: “if the oxygenator breaks down, I’ll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I’ll die of thirst. If the Hab beaches, I’ll just kind of implode. If none of those things happen. I’ll eventually run out of food and starve to death.” And yet the protagonist approaches each of these sobering problems with surprisingly good cheer and optimism. And this is the genius of the story telling, because as the film progresses it becomes less and less about Mars, or “space”, or the science thereof (although it is a total geek fest), and more about one man’s considerable strength of spirit and personal life philosophy. “At some point,” so says our hero, “everything’s gonna go south on you and you’re going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That’s all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”

This was one of those films that drove me to read the book. To my considerably astonishment, the book is even better – and it remains the only book that has ever made me weep.

Number 1: Passengers

I absolutely love this movie. It was one of those movies that looked like it might be quite good from the poster, then the trailer sucked me in still further, and when I eventually got to see the film, it managed to surpass all the extremely high expectations I had for it.

One of the reasons I like this movie so much is because it uses several different cinematic genres to tell the story. It basically starts as “Robinson Crusoe in Space” (just like The Martian), flirts for a few moments with Disney (“Sleeping Beauty in Space”) morphs into a Romance, (a kind of reverse “You’ve Got Mail… in Space”), turning suddenly into a Horror (“The Shining?… in Space”), and then ending as an Action packed Thriller (similar perhaps to “The Core”. In Space. But don’t let that put you off).

But best of all, this is one of those movies that whilst extremely entertaining, manages to leave you thinking for days.

If you want to know more, tap here to read a blog post I wrote about it back in 2017. (Ahhh, 2017. Remember those carefree days?)

Fed up with movies and TV? Fancy a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

My Girlfriend’s Perfect Ex Boyfriend – A Laugh-Out-Loud Rom-Com
Meet Adrian Turner; Mountaineer, Secret Agent, Fireman… Ade would dearly like to be any of these things, though he’d trade them all to win the heart of Paige, who despite being Ade’s girlfriend for the past eighteen months, still seems to have one foot out of the door, and hasn’t quite committed to leaving a toothbrush in the bathroom. Of course, it doesn’t help that she’s working with her ex-boyfriend, Sebastian…
[Find out more]

The Truth About This Charming Man – A Crime Comedy
Meet William Lewis. All Will’s ever wanted in life, is to be an actor. That is, until he met Rachel – Beautiful. Beguiling. And married. To cut-throat venture capitalist Michael Richmond. So that’s the end of that. Or is it?
[Find out more]

The Good Guy’s Guide To Getting The Girl – A Very Funny Love Story
Jason Smith, 29, self-confessed ‘good guy’, is single. Finally. But now that he is, all the girls he’d happily give up one side of his bed for – like, for instance, his old school crush Melanie Jackson – are married, crazy, or in love with the office heart-throb. And then Jason stumbles on a fool-proof way to meet the kind of exciting, fun woman he’s always dreamed about…
[Find out more]

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What I thought of… Late Night, Ad Astra, Joker #movie #review

May 18, 2020May 17, 2020 Peter JonesLeave a comment

Watching more TV at the moment? Me too. In fact, I could really do with some recommendations! Nothing too heavy or ‘apocalyptic’ – we’ve got plenty of that going on in real life. But at the same time, nothing too ‘lite’.

For instance… I can thoroughly recommend Late Night starring Emma Thompson. Don’t be put off by the relative low IMDB score (6.5) – this is a fun, charming, surprisingly sophisticated comedy, that is somehow more than the sum of its parts. Trailer at the bottom of the page.

In the meantime, here are a couple of other movies I’ve seen in recent weeks

Ad Astra

The other night I settled down in front of the TV, to watch Ad Astra. In space, so they say, no one can hear you scream…. of boredom.

Thing is, I’d been looking forward to seeing this movie for months. What’s not to like? It stars Brad Pitt. An excellent actor. He produced it too. So it has “high production values” – and it’s about space!! That should have been enough to put it right up there with The Martian, or 2001, or Apollo 13… but someone, somewhere forgot to hire a bloody screenwriter to come up with a decent plot, and develop characters we actually care about. Instead what we’ve got is a movie that’s trying to be beautiful, and worthy, and intriguing, and failing on all counts. It’s another Solaris (both versions), or Gravity (yeah, yeah, I know some people love that movie).

Worse still, it’s one of those movies that starts ‘okay’, and keeps promising to get better, and keeps failing to do so, until it has successfully robbed you of two hours and left you with nothing but a pile of plot-hole related questions, and the desire to watch SOMETHING decent, ANYTHING, before you go to bed.

So yeah. Didn’t like it.

Joker

I’ll be honest with you, in these scary ‘apocalyptic’ times, maybe Joker wasn’t the *best* choice of late night evening viewing. It’s dark.

Very, very dark.

That said, it’s also rather brilliant.

I have a love-hate relationship with superhero movies, but as the film started there was a distinct lack of DC Comics branding. Yes, this is, technically, a film about the character from the ‘Batman’ Universe, but that’s almost incidental, bordering on the irrelevant. Because at its heart, this is a film about a man suffering from acute mental illness, in a society that’s all but given up on him. And we watch, as this sad, scarecrow of a man – a victim – begins to fight back, and take control of his destiny. Though probably not in a way that his therapist would approve of.

Robert DeNiro makes a rather unexpected and welcome appearance as a chat show host. There are some excellent plot twists along the way, and the occasional nod to the Batman Legend (for instance; the age old question of who actually killed Bruce Wayne’s father and mother in that alleyway).

As the credits roll, there’s definitely potential for a rather interesting sequel, and whilst sequels are nearly always a bitter disappointment, I still find myself hoping they make one.

Got any movie recommendations for me? Or indeed TC shows. Post a comment below.

Meantime, here’s that trailer I was telling you about.

Wait… fed up with TV or movies? How about a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

For one week only my three novels are just 99p each. That’s better than half price! But only until Friday 22nd May…

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Top Ten Favourite Albums (part 2)

May 17, 2020May 16, 2020 Peter JonesLeave a comment

Yesterday I started to share with you my ‘top ten favourite albums’ list. The LPs that have had a profound influence on my musical tastes. You can read that post here.

Let’s continue from where we left off…

FAVE ALBUMS #6: Love Over Gold, Dire Straits

Of all the albums ever produced, you could argue that Love Over Gold, by Dire Straits, isn’t particularly good value for money.

It was – according to Wikipedia – the band’s fourth studio album. So one imagines that by this point in their collective careers they were a little jaded, due a break, and yet contractually obliged to bring out another LP… or pay huge financial penalties.

And so we have this. An album with just five tracks. And the last track on side 2 – “It Never Rains” – is just terrible. By the band’s high standards, you could say it’s “dire”.

But track five aside, every other song on the album is a jaw dropping classic. “Telegraph Road”, “Private Investigations”, “Industrial Disease”, and “Love Over Gold”… each of these songs have, at various times of my life, made me wept. They’re that good.

FAVE ALBUMS #7: The Soul Cages, Sting

Growing up, the artist who had the most influence on my musical tastes was, without a doubt, Sting.

Right up until the moment he decided to nuke his career by releasing an album of Gregorian ‘classics’ played on a lute, every album was, in my humble unschooled opinion, fabulous.

Apart from one.

Gregorian Rubbish aside, the Soul Cages was arguably Sting’s least successful album, commercially speaking. Written following the death of his father, the album is haunting and wonderful and magical.

I’ve often wished that Sting had blown a few of his millions by turning it into an art-house, animated, feature length movie, or something similar. But then, maybe that would have been too painful? That aside, I personally believe this album isn’t just fabulous, it’s a work of art that has me sobbing my heart out, each and every time I listen to it.

FAVE ALBUMS #8: Kate Bush

Okay, I’m cheating. Slightly.

When I started compiling this list I knew there had to be a Kate Bush LP in there somewhere, but the problem is, there are so many REALLY good Kate Bush albums to pick from. Especially when Kate’s career has several distinct “phases”.

For instance, obviously her early work is amazing, but when Hounds of Love was released in 1985 Kate had clearly entered a new era in her music prowess. Side 1 contains three stonking 80s classics (“Running Up That Hill”, “Hounds of Love” and “Cloudbusting”) whilst Side 2 is like an entirely different album full of haunting, strange pieces of music, sound effects and “satanic” chanting. It’s awesome.

But then a few years later Kate followed that album with The Sensual World which was also brilliant. (I can’t listen to “This Woman’s Work” without wanting to weep.)

And then in 2005, she released Aerial. Which is different again…

So basically I can’t choose just one Kate Bush album. I just can’t. So shoot me.

FAVE ALBUM #9: Up, Peter Gabriel

Something very interesting happened to Peter Gabriel’s career in the early 80s. Up until 1982 he was releasing an album every two years, three of which were called Peter Gabriel. And then suddenly he stopped, and four years later he released So.

So was an amazing LP. “Red Rain”, “Sledge Hammer”, “Don’t Give Up”, “In Your Eyes”, “Big Time” and my personal fave “Mercy Street”

Six years after So came Us. Another fabulous album. Different. Kind of a throw back to his earlier stuff. But still fabulous.

A decade after Us came Up. I listened to it once, then threw it in a drawer. Ten years I’d waited for another Peter Gabriel album, but it wasn’t the album I’d hoped for. I was disappointed.

And then my wife died.

If I ever write an autobiography I suspect that’ll be the title. My wife died. Suddenly, one Saturday morning, and my world turned upside down.

Whilst sorting through our collective belongings I came across this album and listened to it again. And finally I got it. Here was an album written by a man who had lost his wife, and was struggling to cope. Tormented by guilt and all manner of demons, he had taken his feelings and set them to music.

Thank you Peter Gabriel. You helped get me through one of the toughest times of my life.

FAVE ALBUM #10: The Hitch Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams (BBC Radio)

Far back in the midst of times, long before the advent of Spotify, Downloads, iPods, CDs – back when men were real men, women were real women, and little blue furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL little blue furry creatures from Alpha Centauri – the BBC used to put out some of its more popular radio shows on vinyl.

And so it was that a skinny ten-year-old lad from Essex, England, came to discover The Hitch Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy when his mother thought it might be “something he might like”.

Little did she know the profound effect this would have on his life, and how many years later – now a man of fifty something years – he would toil long into the night creating his own works of fiction that he hoped the BBC might deem worthy for broadcast on BBC 167 (an internet-only download service available on Nokia phones sold in Bratislava).

Sadly, just before he could complete his fourth novel (the book that was FINALLY going to propel him into the limelight, or at the very least close to it) the planet Earth was destroyed by a Vogon Construction Fleet to make way for a brand new Hyperspacial Bypass.

This blog, is the story of that man, and those books.

Wait… looking for a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

For one week only my three novels are just 99p each. That’s better than half price! But only until Friday 22nd May…

If you’re reading this in an email, why not forward it to a friend?

Top Ten Favourite Albums (part 1)

May 16, 2020May 16, 2020 Peter JonesLeave a comment

So, you know when you’re on Facebook an one of your friends posts something along the lines of “my friend Janice challenged me to share my top one hundred favourite baked goods” and then for days and days there’s another sodding picture of a cream bun or a chocolate eclair or a home made Battenberg clogging up your news feed until you just can’t stand it any longer and you have to ‘snooze’ that ‘friend’. You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure.

Anyway, funny thing about lockdown, because not only has my consumption of all things social media gone through the roof (such that I am now routinely getting to the bottom of my Facebook ‘feed’ – who would have thought that was possible?), but I’ve also found myself taking an active interest in people’s lists of “twenty jigsaw puzzles I couldn’t live without” or “fifty sudoko grids that changed my life”

For instance, my ol’ mate Pat recently ‘challenged’ me to choose ten albums that have greatly influenced my taste in music, and had a profound impact on my life. Before I could stop myself, there I was, jotting down LPs that might make the cut.

These were the rules:

Albums only.
No particular order.
No explanations or reviews necessary (yeah, right – like that’s going to happen!)

I was also *supposed* to nominate ten others to do the same (ugh!), but in these scary times I’ve got more than enough ‘rules’ to be going on with, thank you very much.

It was, however, an interesting exercise. So here, for your amusement, are two blog posts detailing those top ten albums, and why. Feel free to tell me about your favourite albums in the comments

FAVE ALBUM #1: Rubber Soul, by The Beatles

My mother introduced me to The Beatles the day John Lennon died. Up until that point I didn’t actually know who they were. And when I sat down to watch the film ‘Help’ (on the BBC, that night), I thought at first they were The Monkees, or a rip off version. Hey! I was twelve! Anyway… so started my love of The Beatles. I was, at the time, quite a fan of pop music, but the discovery of The Beatles helped me up my game. The very first album I ever bought was Rock and Rock Music Volume I. Followed quickly by Volume II. But of all my Beatles albums this was, and might still be, my favourite.

FAVE ALBUM #2: Nillson Schmilsson by Harry Nilsson.

My mother had exactly four records in her record collection when I was a kid; Rubber Soul (Beatles), We’re All Going On A Summer Holiday (Cliff Richard), And So This Is Christmas (John & Yoko), and a tape cassette of the album Nilsson Schmilsson by Harry Nilsson.

I’ve never really understood why my mother had such a diminutive music library – I’ve always assumed it was something to do with her love of Radio Four – but of the records she did have, Nilsson Schmilsson was, and still is, my favourite, instilling in me a love of Harry Nilsson.

I played that album to to death. Literally. When it finally got mangled in my cassette player I went out and bought a CD. For myself. My mother is yet to notice the theft.

(In recent years my mother has added to her collection having ‘downloaded’ from iTunes Give Me Sunshine (Morcambe and Wise) and She’s More Than A Woman (Billy Joel).

FAVE ALBUM #3: Tubular Bells, Mike Oldfield

I’m not sure how I came across Tubular Bells (by Mike Oldfield). It’s one of those albums where each side is (almost) one long track.

I’m pretty sure it wasn’t something that made it into the (singles) charts, and therefore probably wasn’t played much on my beloved Radio One. Likewise, although the main theme was used in The Exorcist, I’ve never seen the film (and nor will I).

I have a sneaky suspicion it may have been the children’s TV show, Blue Peter that introduced me to Mike Oldfield. He re-recorded the theme tune, and I remember them making a big thing about that.

Anyway, bought the album I did, and for an extended period of my life I would come home from school – and later, work – and play this album (or the follow up, Tubular Bells II) all the way through, both sides.

And then one day I just stopped. And I haven’t listened to it since. Weird.

FAVE ALBUM #4: Faith, George Michael

I’ve never been a fan of “manufactured” pop, and I have a particular loathing of “the boy band”. Remember Kajagoogoo? Or Bros? Can we all just pretend that those particularly low points in musical history never actually happened?

My LEAST favourite boy band of all time was, of course, Wham! With the notable exception of “Everything She Wants” every song was awful, and I honestly can’t listen to “Last Christmas” without wanting to drill holes in my ears.

When Wham! finally split – and every girl in the land went into a collective mourning – I have to confess that I was secretly relieved.

Then, a few months later, a curious thing happened. George Micheal released his debut album and… it was good.

Like… really good.

Really really good.

And in that moment I realised something profound: Andrew Ridgeley had been holding George back.

What a terrible legacy.

After Faith I bought every single one of George’s albums.

I’m genuinely very sad that he’s no longer around. For me, there’s still a George shaped hole in the world of popular music.

FAVE ALBUM #5: Greatest Hits, Queen

I grew up in the seventies. This means that by the time I was saving my paper round money and walking into town every Saturday morning to buy records, Queen already had at least one Greatest Hits albums. This, however, is the one I bought.

In my head at least, I still own this album. By which I mean, if challenged, I could probably sing every single track of the album, in the correct order, without getting a single word wrong.

Want more?

Come back tomorrow for five more albums, and feel free to tell me about your favourite albums in the comments below.

Wait… looking for a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

For one week only my three novels are just 99p each. That’s better than half price! But only until Friday 22nd May…

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New Book Coming Soon (but possibly not the one you expected)

December 14, 2019December 23, 2019 Peter JonesLeave a comment

Just over a year ago (November 2018 to be precise) I blogged about how I’d just finished my fourth novel and was about to start editing (you can read that post here).

However, about fifteen minutes after writing that post I glanced down at the enormous pile of freshly printed pages – pages that were sitting there patiently waiting for my red pen – and thought… nah.

I wasn’t ready. It had taken me a year to produce that first draft (though it had felt like five), and the thought of going all the way back to the beginning to hunt down and resolve all the inconsistencies and plot holes that I knew were waiting for me… well… I just couldn’t do it.

So I didn’t.

Instead…

I wrote another book.

I returned to my non-fiction, self-help roots, to write a book that had been on my mind for a while. As a result I’m delighted to tell you about this…

EAT LOADS LOSE WEIGHT – My fifth self-help book – will be available from Boxing Day (26th December 2019) (although you can pre-order it right now).

Now you may remember that I co-wrote a similar sounding book, a few years back. 2013 to be precise. That book promised a diet-free way to eat loads, and stay slim. But shortly after it climbed the charts I started to meet more and more people who needed a different kind of book. Something that was a little more ‘direct’. Something for the person who had somehow failed to ‘stay slim’. And four years later – despite being the author of a diet book – I too was one such person! I had somehow managed to pile on the pounds, and was heavier than ever.

Two years ago my partner suggested I lose weight. Now you know you’re in a loving relationship when your partner feels they can say something like that. However, when it came to fighting the flab (again), all of those weight maintenance tips and tricks that my co-author and I had recommended years earlier, failed me.

You know me – I’m a fix-it man at heart! Whenever I come across a problem that needs a solution – or better still, a solution that should work but doesn’t – well… it’s like a red rag to a bull. I started to wonder whether, when it comes to LOSING WEIGHT, there’s a better way. An easier way. One that doesn’t involve calorie counting, low-fat spreads, eating less, moving more, exercise, or any of that other traditional dietary advice that sounds oh-so-sensible, but just doesn’t seem to work.

Turns out… there was.

And it was a lot easier (and more interesting) than I ever could have realised.

So if you’ve already decided that the diet starts the day after Christmas Day, or on January 1st, or whatever date you’ve pencilled into your diary (you do own a diary, don’t you?), why not allow me to be your weight-loss coach? Together we can EAT LOADS and LOSE WEIGHT.

PS. And what about the novel, I hear you ask? You’ll be delighted to know that I have finished editing it. Almost.

How To EAT LOADS And LOSE WEIGHT will be available in paperback, and for your tablet, phone, or computer (via the free Kindle App) from Boxing Day (26th January). Pre-order here, now.

The eBook is a mere £1.99. Less than the price of a cup of coffee. Click or tap here now.

Other ebook formats will be available in the New Year.

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What I thought of… A Star is Born #movie #review

December 5, 2019December 10, 2019 Peter JonesLeave a comment

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS

I watched a Star Is Born last night. And my overwhelming feeling as the credits started to roll? One of bitter disappointment.

This is a film that’s been remade three times. The plot basically follows the same story as the previous three incarnations, including the 1972 version staring Barbra Streisand: burnt out rock/country star comes across an unknown quirky singer songwriter and in so doing gives her the opportunity of a lifetime.

In this re-telling, ‘Ally’ gets snapped up by a major record label, who proceed to transform her from a likeable sassy singer into a glossy pop princess girating to trashy tacky songs about boyfriends and texting. And because of the (some might say) unlikely casting of Lady Gaga in the title role, we watch as a likeable, streetwise gal gradually morphs into someone who bears more than a striking resemblance to her real life persona – all whilst Bradly Cooper’s character disappears down a drug fuelled drunken spiral of jealousy and despair.

After an hour and a half of watching two celebrities spinning out of control, we finally get to the point where he’s cleaned himself up, and she has to choose between her career and her rock star husband.

Bradley Cooper – who not only starred in, but produced and directed this version – stays faithful to the original plot. And this is my beef with the film. Because whilst the grim ending might be ‘more realistic’, it is, in my mind, hollow and dissatisfying.

The film ends with Lady Gaga’s character relaunching her career off the back of the heartfelt love song her husband wrote for her. There’s a fleeting second when it looks as if the screenwriters are going to pull a Sliding Doors moment out of the bag, and show us an alternative ending – one where both characters pick each other over the wishes of their evil money-grabbing manager… but it never comes. Life, so says the film, just doesn’t work that way.

Forgive me if this makes me feel just a teeny bit angry. Because surely our job – as story tellers – isn’t to reflect how the world allegedly works – that if you finally get the creative break you’ve longed for your whole life it will chew you up and spit you out. Rather, isn’t the point of a good story to show people at their very best; how things could be, and should be. Because ironically, when you actually look at real life, it turns out people can come through the shittest of experiences, only to surprise themselves and us. Take a look at “Rocket Man” or “Bohemian Rhapsody” if you don’t believe me. Two movies about the music-industry, based on true stories, where the hero manages to rise above himself and ‘the inevitable’.

By all means tell me a cautionary tale if you must, but at the very least show me how it could have been different.

As my grandfather used to say, I don’t need real-life in my entertainment, I have enough of that… in real life.

What did you think of it? Tell me in the comments below.

How to finish a novel

November 29, 2019December 10, 2019 Peter JonesLeave a comment

So I just finished typing THE END on my fourth novel, and I’ll be honest with you, it feels a bit weird.

I was beginning to think I’d never get here! My amazing spreadsheet, that calculates my likely completion date (based on how many words I’ve written since the start of the project), reckoned I’d be done by September – October at the latest. But that was assuming the novel would come in at 80,000 words – average novel length, and more or less what all three of my previous works of fiction weighed in at.

However, as I reached that epic word count the story was nowhere near done. It was the writing equivalent of running a marathon only to have someone tell you after twenty six gruelling miles that the finish line has been moved. I had to keep going.

Never mind. At least the majority of the book had been written. And the last time I ‘wrote a novel’… and the time before that… there was something about having the end in sight that propelled me forwards. A sudden sprint to the finish line. But this time, the closer I got to the end of the story the slower I got.

Part of that was because I wasn’t entirely sure how the story should end. In fact, if it hadn’t of been for my chums in my writing group I might still be searching for that elusive ending.

Even when I had the ending, those last couple of chapters were extremely troublesome. This morning I spent almost 5 hours writing approximately two hundred words. That’s 40 words an hour. Less than a word a minute.

But…

It’s done.

Finally.

Except of course…

It’s not.

Starting next week I’m editing: I already have a pile of ‘go back and fix this’ notes. Then I’ll print the whole thing off, and do ‘the big read through’. When I’m done with drowning my sorrows (because traditionally at this point most authors think they’ve written a massive pile of horse poo), I’ll take my big red pen and start slashing and hacking.

I’ll be honest with you, the last two times I quite enjoyed this part – this is the moment when it actually starts to feel like I’ve written a book, something I can be proud of. But I suspect books might be a little like children; you might have had something to do with their creation, you might have created others, but it’s a mistake to let your guard down.

When I’m finally done slashing and hacking I’ll give the book to the half dozen trusted folk who have been waiting patiently to read it. My ‘first readers’.

And when I’m done working through their comments (which could easily range from ‘not sure she should be wearing a yellow dress in this scene’ to ‘this ending doesn’t make any kind of sense’) well… then I’ll send it to my agent.

And that’s when – ‘scuse the language – sh*t gets real.

In my experience, feedback from Agents tends to fall into two broad categories: Either they like your book, but have two or three suggested changes (those changes being ‘the beginning’, ‘the middle’, and ‘the end’), or… they don’t like your book, and would rather you’d written something else.

But that’s a long way off. Months away.

For now I’m just going to celebrate the end of this stage, and feel proud that I got to this point. Again. My fourth novel. My eighth book. That in itself, isn’t bad going.

So, check back again soon to see how the editing’s going. In the meantime, if you’re a writer, feel free to share your experiences of getting to the end of a first draft. And if you’re not a writer, but have always fancied writing a book, feel free to ask me a question or share your novel writing attempts in the comments.

Now then, where did I put my red pen?

Struggling for Christmas Present ideas? Then why not solve all your Christmas Present Conundrums in one hit by visiting The Novel Coffee Shop (98 London Road, Southend-on-Sea, SS1 1PG), on Saturday 1st December 2018 between 1:30pm and 4pm, where I’ll be signing copies of all my books, along with Sci-Fi author Claire Buss, and Children’s Fantasy author Daisy Bourne.

Click the flyer below to see a bigger version!

No More Sitting On The ‘Reserve bench’

November 23, 2019December 10, 2019 Peter JonesLeave a comment

If you follow me on facebook, twitter, even instagram, you might have seen the occasional picture of me, grinning like a maniac, in front of an audience of similarly manic, arm-waving, happy folk (although usually there’s one lone woman, sitting there , arms folded, steadfastly refusing to take part – bless her).

I take these photos perhaps once or twice a week – whenever I’m asked to entertain a Women’s Institute, or a U3A, or a Townswomen Guild, or some similar group, with tales of my writing adventures.

People sometimes ask me how I got into the public speaking lark. I blame my Dad.

Years ago, my father used to run a U3A ‘discussion group’. Each month the group would invite someone along to speak on whatever topic they liked, and then afterwards a discussion would ensue. That was the idea anyway. My Dad loves a good discussion. In reality someone would put the kettle on, a packet of biscuits would be emptied onto a plate, and twenty minutes later my Dad would be washing cups and stacking chairs in the corner, wondering why no-one had actually ‘discussed’ anything.

Dad used to try and plan his group’s programme a good year in advance, presumably in the hopes of attracting a few new members with his trove of twelve tantalising topics. But a year is a long time. Stuff happens. And every now and then a speaker would cancel on dear old Dad, and he’d be forced to do some frantic phoning around in order to find a replacement.

Which is how I got my first gig.

Out of sheer desperation Dad called me and asked if I could step in and do a talk. He’d even decided what my topic would be! Could I speak for thirty or so minutes of “how banks make their money” – thanks very much – see you Thursday – don’t be late.

Now fortunately for me, I had at this point been in credit card banking for about twenty five years, the last ten of which was as a freelance consultant. I could have spoken for several days on how my clients separated the man on the street from his hard earned wedge. But I concentrated my talk on some of the sneakier, lesser known, less ethical tricks, that go on in the banking community.

My talk was a huge success: There was almost a riot when I announced that “in a few months” the banks would be announcing the ‘end of cheques’. “How will I pay the milkman!?” exclaimed one woman – at which point, for the first time ever, a proper discussion ensued. Dad was pleased as punch.

From that moment on I became my Dad’s ‘reserve man’. Each year, for about three years, I’d get a phone call whenever a speaker cancelled and would always be told what my topic would be. For instance, I did a talk entitled “How will I pay the milkman?” – forty five minutes about, amongst other things, how the banks really wanted to get rid of cheques, but at the last moment had changed their collective minds. I promise you it was more interesting than it sounds.

But after a few years I was fed up with being the flippin’ understudy. “Dad,” I said, “I want my own slot in the programme, but more than that, I want to be able to pick my own topic!”

“What do you want to talk on?” asked Dad.

“How to do everything, and be happy,” I replied.

“Hmmm,” said my Dad. “I’m not sure anyone’s going to be interested in that.”

Several years on and I’ve given that same talk – or a version of it – about two hundred times.

If you’d like to hear me speak, or if you’d like to invite me along to your group or society, drop me a line here, or visit my speaker’s website; PeterJonesPublicSpeaker.com

The difference between male and female book covers…

November 20, 2019December 10, 2019 Peter JonesLeave a comment

Book covers.

I hate them!

No really, I do. Because the age old advice – never judge a book by the cover – is universally ignored.

Recently my third novel, My Girlfriend’s Perfect Ex-Boyfriend, came out and I couldn’t be more delighted. Like my previous two novels it’s sort-of a romantic comedy, only this one’s about… well, you can probably work it out from the title.

I went through hell and back with the designer working on the covers for my first two novels (you can read about those experiences here and here), but when it came to this book, I was pretty sure it would be a walk in the park. And here’s why:

In the opening chapter of My Girlfriend’s Perfect Ex-Boyfriend, there’s a silly joke about our hero’s girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend being soooo perfect that there’s probably a Tibetan temple dedicated to him. It would be your standard Tibetan temple; chanting monks, a sixty foot golden statue – only obviously the statue would have an extra pair of arms so that Sebastian (the perfect ex-boyfriend) could hold various symbols and representations of all the wondrous gifts that he brings to the world.

That, I thought, would make a great cover for the book. I put all this in an email to my wonderful designer and this is what he came back with.

I was pleased. Okay so it’s not perfect by any means. It’s quite difficult to read some of the words against the patterned background, but as a concept it’s pretty darn close to what I had in my head. However, even though I really like covers that wrap around the spine and continue on the back, it seemed a shame that we couldn’t see all of Sebastian. Plus I had a nagging feeling that despite the cartoon style grin, this cover didn’t necessarily scream romantic comedy at anyone casually looking for a new book to read.

So with that in mind I decided to familiarise myself with covers of other women’s contemporary humorous fiction, written by male novelists, and from a male viewpoint. And here’s what I found:

I think you’ll agree, there’s definitely a style. Lots of flat colour. Slightly cartoony. Silhouettes seem popular. Oh, and all of them (with the possible exception of two) are EASY TO READ – particularly when reduced to a thumbnail. So – Mr Cover Designer Man – would it be possible to take that original design for my cover, and tweak it so that it wouldn’t look out of place when filling that gap in the bottom right hand corner?

Oh, and could I have a couple of ideas to pick from? Thank you.

Here’s what I got back.

Wow!

Now remember, these are just rough-and-ready sketches, so any weird blobs or lines wouldn’t be there on a final finished version, but even so, my gob was well and truly smacked. I loved them. All of them. Not equally of course, but each one was a massive improvement on the original, and I was utterly convinced that with a bit of tweaking we had a finished cover. All I had to decide was which one.

It was an easy choice.

Now obviously this one is a clear winner. No doubt in my mind. I was a little worried about my name getting lost at the bottom there, but really the title’s the more important thing.

However, just to be absolutely sure I’d picked the right one, I decided to ask some other authors. Specifically romantic fiction authors. Specifically female romantic fiction authors. I uploaded all six new designs (plus the original design) into one of the private facebook groups for the Romantic Novelists Association and asks my fellow novelists to vote.

I’m not going to lie to you… I was shocked at the result.

With the exception of one person (Hello Sue Lovett), every single woman chose one of the following:

This left me scratching my head. I was so sure my choice was the better cover and yet here I was being out-voted by 10 to 1! (Incidentally, Sue chose the original, first design).

So I asked my partner what she thought. Along with all her (female) work colleagues, she too picked one of the two covers above, with the majority of her colleagues picking the version on the right.

Not only that, but almost every woman I’d asked took the time to tell me that, although they liked the design, they hated Sebastian’s orange tie! One woman (Hello Virginia) said it reminded her of Halloween!!

Still reeling from this new information I decided to ask my male friends which one they would go for. With the exception of one person (Hello Patrick – there’s always one isn’t there) they all picked the same one I’d chosen, or a near relative.

So this left me with a rather interesting conclusion and a potentially troublesome conundrum.

Conclusion: Different covers appeal to male and female readers.

Conundrum: Do I pick a female cover, or a male one?

It really wasn’t a hard choice if I’m honest.

I write Women’s Contemporary Humorous Fiction. 90% of my readers (possibly more) are women. If I’m going to continue trying to make a living out of this writing lark then I had to choose the cover that the RNA ladies and my girlfriend’s colleagues had gone for.

Thing is, I didn’t like it.

The strap line seemed sort of lost at the bottom, and my name seemed a bit lonely up there at the top. And the two new silhouettes (which are supposed to represent Adrian and his girlfriend Paige), well they just seemed to be plonked either side of the word PERFECT for no reason.

I went back to Mr Cover Design Man with these thoughts and a couple of days later I went back to my girlfriend and novelist buddies with these four variations:

At first glance there doesn’t appear to be much of a difference between them so let me talk you through the key points.

In three of the designs Adrian and Paige have been resized to create a sense of perspective. Now we have a ‘scene’ being illustrated. In fact, in two of the designs they even have their own shadows!
Two of the designs obviously have borders whilst two don’t, but in all of them the colour of the tie has changed to match the word perfect, and my name has been tinkered with to make it look more ‘fun’.
Finally in one version the grin has made a reappearance, because I like the grin. I thought it was funny and would make people laugh. Turns out I was wrong. Most people told me the grin was off-putting and scary.

Everyone liked the pink tie though. And aside from comments about my name being hard to read, and the strap-line being too long, everyone chose either the second or third version.

And those comments were easily addressed.

I present to you, the final version:

And I have to say… I love it. Of all the covers on all my books, this one is most definitely my favourite.

It’s perfect.

Or is it? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Hot news!

My latest novel, My Girlfriend’s Perfect Ex-Boyfriend, is just 99 pennies for a limited time only. Click or tap here to visit amazon or type BuyTheBook.TODAY into your web browser.

And remember, you can follow me on social media via the links below

Latest book: http://BuyTheBook.TODAY
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facebook: http://www.facebook.com/peterjonesauthor
twitter: http://www.twitter.com/peterjonesauth

1983

August 26, 2018August 22, 2018 Peter Jones2 Comments

So, here’s the thing. I’ve been working on a new novel.

That probably hasn’t come as much of a shock – that is, after all, what
novelists are supposed to do.

Here’s how my writing regime currently looks.

I average 2 writing days, per week.
I average 5 hours per writing day.
And I average, 200 words per hour.

Now, I used to post these kind of writing stats on facebook, along with my expected completion date and a funny or curious picture relating to the scene I’d been working on but then I stopped.

“Why?” I hear you ask (okay, okay – you didn’t ask but I’m going to tell you anyway.)

Because those writing stats aren’t really very good. Two days a week!? Only 200 words per hour? That’s pathetic! Most of my writing chums could equal what I turn out once a week, in one sitting.

So I stopped.

Although that’s not the real reason I stopped.

Want to know what was? (Okay, okay – you didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway!)

Because I’m afraid of completing this novel.

Right now, I think this book is probably the best thing I’ve ever written, by far.

BUT I am taking a few risks:

It’s quite a deviation from stuff I’ve written before; for one thing it features a female protagonist. Who’s 18. And I am, in case you hadn’t noticed I’m a man.

It’s also darker, less comedic, and based on a true story.

It’s set in 1983 and at the moment, there’s no clear happy-ever-after… blimey.

So if I finish this thing, and no one likes it well that’s a LOT of time I’ve just wasted!

Hence my procrastinating!

Fortunately however I have YOU!

How d’you fancy being part of my personal cheer leading squad? It’s quite a simple job. All I need is for you to ask me, every now and then, how the book’s coming along. Ask m how many words I’ve managed to churn out recently. Ask me if I’ve started editing yet. Ask me if the book will be finished by Christmas.

You can also help inspire me. If you were around in 1983, what memories do you have of back then? What clothes did you wear? What music did you listen to? Did you have big hair? All this stuff is useful to know.

Leaving a comment below, or on facebook, or even on twitter.

In the meantime I best get back to writing.

PETER’S TOP FIVE FILMS OF THE LAST DECADE (2010-2020)

Number 5: Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

Number 4: Arrival

Number 3: Cloud Atlas

Number 2: The Martian

Number 1: Passengers

Fed up with movies and TV? Fancy a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

Ad Astra

Joker

Wait… fed up with TV or movies? How about a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

FAVE ALBUMS #6: Love Over Gold, Dire Straits

FAVE ALBUMS #7: The Soul Cages, Sting

FAVE ALBUMS #8: Kate Bush

FAVE ALBUM #9: Up, Peter Gabriel

FAVE ALBUM #10: The Hitch Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams (BBC Radio)

Wait… looking for a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

FAVE ALBUM #1: Rubber Soul, by The Beatles

FAVE ALBUM #2: Nillson Schmilsson by Harry Nilsson.

FAVE ALBUM #3: Tubular Bells, Mike Oldfield

FAVE ALBUM #4: Faith, George Michael

FAVE ALBUM #5: Greatest Hits, Queen

Want more?

Wait… looking for a fun read (with absolutely no mention of lockdown)?

EAT LOADS LOSE WEIGHT – My fifth self-help book – will be available from Boxing Day (26th December 2019) (although you can pre-order it right now).

Wow!

Hot news!

PETER’S TOP FIVE FILMS
OF THE LAST DECADE (2010-2020)